The people who hurt me most agreed with me

Fuel from Mary Carns and Halftank Studio

I've written a lot about the allies I didn't have and could not count on. Today I want to flip that around, because complaining about silence doesn't teach anyone how to speak.

Here's something I believe after nine firings: most of the people who stayed silent while I stood alone weren't bad people. They were scared people, tired people, people who'd learned that sticking your neck out doesn't pay. They wanted to help. They just thought helping was expensive.

It isn't. That's the part nobody tells you, and it’s the part you won’t read in any business article.

Being an ally at work is like being a spotter at the gym. You're not lifting the weight for anyone. You're not even touching the bar most of the time. You're just visibly there, and your presence changes what the other person can safely attempt. The spotter's job costs almost nothing. Not having one is how people get crushed.

So here's what spotting actually looks like, from someone who spent years lifting without one. Every one of these is the inverse of something I watched not happen.

Say one true thing in the room. I don’t mean making a long speech or confronting anyone. When someone with less protection says something true but inconvenient, you say: "That's worth discussing." When someone junior is being blamed for a systemic problem: "Wait, let's look at the conditions that led to this." When leadership announces an impossible timeline: "Before we commit, I'd like to hear from the people who'll actually do the work." One sentence, that is all.

Repeat and credit. If someone's idea got steamrolled in a meeting, the cheapest amplification in the world is "I want to go back to what [name] said." You're not endorsing it. You're just making it impossible to pretend it wasn't said. Ideas from people without organizational power evaporate unless someone with power condenses them back into the room.

Give the reference. I once had an executive refuse to give me a reference while going out of their way to protect someone who falsified timesheets. A reference costs you fifteen minutes and zero political capital, the person is already gone. If you thought someone did good work, saying so after they've been laid off is the lowest-risk, highest-impact ally move that exists. There is no downside and it only takes fifteen minutes.

Don't disappear after the layoff. When someone gets walked out, they don't just lose a paycheck — they get a scarlet L and a sudden silence, because everyone still inside treats them like layoffs are contagious. A single "hey, that was bullshit, how are you doing" text a week later does more than you can imagine. I know exactly who sent one and who didn't.

I remember I got a text from a former colleague a few months after a layoff that said “you’re not so special, I got laid off too”. I was deep into despair looking for a new job, but that one gave me a much needed laugh.

Spend your safety budget. Some people are allowed to fail more than others, and that's just true. If you're one of them, that surplus is a budget. You can hoard it, or you can spend a little of it saying the true thing so someone who cannot spend theirs, if they have a budget at all. Nobody's asking you to spend all of your goodwill at once, just don’t leave with that account too full.

None of this is heroism. The person you're thinking about backing up already knows you agree with them privately. They're watching to see if you'll say it publicly. The entire difference between an ally and a bystander is that one sentence, said out loud, in the room where it counts.

And since we're talking about public support: if you've read BAD FIT, an Amazon review is exactly this kind of ally move. It's one true thing, said out loud, in the room where it counts: in this case, it’s not in a meeting room but an algorithm that decides whether the people who need this book ever see it. It only takes a few minutes, takes no political capital, and it would make this first-time author’s day.

Thank you again <3

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