The day I stopped blaming myself

Fuel from Mary Carns and Halftank Studio

The ninth time I got fired, I had just gotten back from getting my oil changed.

I knew what the Zoom call was about the day before the invite. To me, it was obvious because it was, yet again, one of those 1-on-1 meetings with my direct supervisor with no agenda and a vague title. I opened my laptop, and my boss and I ended up talking for an hour. We talked about not just my fate, but the fate of the company in general. This company relied on assigning contractors to clients to make money, and not one client was asking for user experience or product strategy. I hadn’t worked for a client for over four months at that point.

I knew my boss’ script well, even though she really didn’t use it. I'd been through layoffs eight times before — the meeting that runs five minutes too long, the HR person you barely know, the mandatory laptop return that means no pulling files for your portfolio.

But this time, something felt different. Not worse. Just... clearer.

Until then, I'd spent years assuming I was the problem. I would be either too opinionated or not opinionated enough. I was a bad fit. It was a bad time for the market. I collected the feedback like evidence in a case against myself.

But sitting in my home office after number nine, I finally asked a different question: what if it isn't me?

Because here's what I'd watched happen across nine companies, dozens of colleagues, and fifteen years in UX: the industry doesn't struggle to find great designers. It struggles to keep them. It hires for vision and fires for budget. It asks you to advocate for users and then ignores you when you do. It calls people "the most important part of our culture" right up until one quarter goes sideways, as they always do sooner or later.

The problem was never the designers. It was a system built to treat people like me as disposable.

If you've ever sat in your own office wondering what just happened — this one's for you.

More soon.

-Mary

PS. My memoir Bad Fit is coming out soon. Interested in early access? Just reply to this email!

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